The Unexpected Assumptions

There is something wrong with you if you are still grieving after a year

The grief time line is different for everyone. Some people travel the road quickly, others take far longer. There are many, many factors that influence this and to be still in pain after a year is common. I am proof that desire and immense determination to fast-track the grief process does not work. It takes as long as it takes.

Grief is the same journey for everyone

"You are getting to that time in your life when more people are going to die, Are you going to fall apart like this whenever someone dies?" There is an assumption by some people that losing one person is exacly the same as losing another. Losing an aging grandparent is different to losing a healthy parent which is different to losing a child. Losing an acquaintance is not the same as losing the person who was your life and soul. Each loss is different, and every person reacts differently.

Keeping busy and forgetting about it is the best thing to do

"If I were you, I'd just keep busy and forget about it". Apart from the fact that trying to process and comprehend your loss occupies almost every waking conscious moment, and pretty much unconscious moment so "forgetting about it" just isn't an option, pushing the pain away and ignoring it will come back to bite you later.because the pain does not go away by ignoring it. It gets stored up inside you.

Others will understand your pain

I tried many times to explain the pain, the anquish, the horror but the truth is that your mind just does not allow you to imagine that much pain. Even now, having been through it, I can no longer imagine how bad it was at the beginning. My brain will not let me go there. The best it will allow me to imagine/remember is that it was BAD. VERY BAD. Probably over 100x times worse than I could ever have imagined. I am still in pain now, but I know that I have come a long way. Explaining a pain that evenI can no longer imagine is obviously never going to work. Only those who have been through the loss of a cherished one can even begin to understand. Others who have not lost will try, but cannot.

It is better not to talk about the person who has died

There is an assumption that your loved one should not be mentioned because it will remind you of your loss. An assumption that since the mention of your loved one brought tears to your eyes last time that they better not say anything this time. If only they could understand that they are not reminding you of your loss. Your tears are because you feel that they have given you permission to show the pain that is there. Talking is healing. Sharing memories, and a friend who will just sit and listen, or be comfortable with your tears is a true friend.

A grieving person only needs help from family and friends for the first week or so

In the first few weeks the body moves on auto-pilot. You are totally numb. You are in shock and the pain has not really hit you yet. I remember thanking people for their help when the numbness abated. I ignorantly assumed that the worst was over and I was on the mend. Then the pain really hit and I was incapable of anything other than the essentials.

You "get over it"

You NEVER "get over it". The pain eases and becomes less frequent, but I know from the experiences of many that it never goes away. As a person you are changed forever.

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