A Letter to My Love
I trusted you implicitly, and you always told me that you "trusted me, and more!". You were the first person that I showed the 'real' me to, and you appreciated me for me. In the short time we were together, you found out more about me than I had ever let anyone else know. We shared and so much, yet there was still so much to learn. I knew so much about you, and then again, so little. I always assumed that we had so much time. So much I knew, yet so much I wanted to learn. Our love was a secret, and I was happy enough to keep that secret while we tried to sort out the incredible "mess" that we had got ourselves into. I was also happy to wait until circumstances were better. A couple of years in a lifetime meant nothing. I never knew that 'time' was the one thing we did not have. You kept pointing to pot-bellied old guys and telling me "that's going to be me!". I never thought that I would not get the chance to see you as "a pot-bellied old man".
I loved your smile, I loved your eyes, but most of all I fell in love with the person inside all of that. You made me laugh. You made me laugh a lot! You totally cracked me up. You also made me cry, and I hated that. Most of all, you made me feel alive. You were "the one". I love you, and although you have left an enormous gaping hole in my heart, I will never reget having met you and falling in love with you. If nothing else, I am glad that I made your last 10 months (mostly) happy. I would have preferred to make you last 30 years happy, but you had a time-bomb in you head. I ache, I hurt, I cry, but I will never regret loving you.
When you left, I broke your trust and told people about us. I'm sorry, I had to. I absolutely know how much your privacy meant to you, but I had to. It was the only way for me to survive. In love, keeping our secret was easy. In death, the pain of loss is so intense that I could not go through this alone. I trust that you understand. If you were here, I would talk to you. You always gave me the best advice. I don't know how you did it, but you always knew what was best for me.
The pain I feel at losing you is intense. Unimaginable. Indescribable. Even now I still ache. It is no longer the unimaginable, indescribable pain, but there is an incredible ache nonetheless, accompanied by a huge kick in the guts when the reality hits.
I think of everyone else I know that has died., and I feel sadness at the loss. I think of you, and how I lost you and I collapse. There is no comparison. Never again to hear your voice. Never again to see your smile. Never again to feel your touch or to laugh at something you have done or told me. Never again just quietly enjoying being together or enjoy talking to someone who understood me. None of my friends can understand the pain. I t is totally beyond understanding. I do not understand! Life protects you from imagining the pain.
For all the times I hope for understanding of my pain, I truly hope that none of my friends ever do. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I would hate for it to happen to a friend. I am astounded that death, which is such an integral part of life, is so hard to comprehend and cope with. Death. It is inevitable for all of us. Cold, hard, scientific fact. So why is it so hard to accept emotionally? Surely something so integral to life as death should be far easier to comprehend and accept. It isn't. Losing you has left an enourmous hole. Every day I try to fill it, but it's like filling the Grand Canyon a grain of sand at a time. Before I met you, I was happy. I did not believe in "love at first sight" or any of those "stupid" love songs that talked about love. Then I met you! Suddenly I was deleriously happy. I was consumed by emotions. Death is the same. Consumed by emotions, but this time they are debilitating rather than exhilerating. Some have told me that they would not be so upset: "I would do this...". They do not realise that emotions will totally overwhelm logical thoughts. One moment I was happily planning my next trip to see you, the next I am reading a heart stopping mail entitled "Sad News". I will never, ever forget that day, or that mail even though I wish every day that is was a bad nightmare. My blood still runs cold with the memory of that moment. A secret in happiness is exhilerating. A secret in pain it is a nightmare. Although those who I have told will never (hopefully) understand the pain, I am lucky that they are there for me, and they listen when I talk. For that I am eternally grateful. No, they are not you Hector, but they care, and they are here in the physical.
I am determined to get to a stage where 95% of the time when I think of you, I will smile at wonderful memories we shared. I am determined to make you proud of me, to live up to your expectations. I know that you always wanted me to be happy. To be satisfied. To have the best. I always wanted the same for you to.
I know that so far I have not been doing to well. Losing you has been far, far, far harder than anything I could have ever imagined. Unexpected devistation is the only way to explain it. I cry a lot, I wail a lot and I miss you immensely. How could I not? In such a short time, you became my everything. I loved you with all of my heart and soul. Despite all of the immense pain, I still firmly believe that it is better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all. It is still hard to imagine life without you, and I still wonder how I can possibly survive without you. I know that I will, but I also know that it will be the most demanding challenge of my life. I will succeed, because this is what I want, and it is what you wish for me. I am determined not to disappoint you.
In closing my love, you changed my life. You expanded my horizons, you saw the real me. You were my lover, my soulmate, and my confidant. You were the love of my life. You were "the one". I will never forget you or the incredible gift you gave me just by being you. You will stay forever and always in my heart.
I love you now and I will ALWAYS love you. You were the most incredible person that I ever met, and I would give anything to have you back with me in the physical world that I know.
I LOVE YOU HECTOR. YOU ARE, AND ALWAYS WILL BE, THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE.
xoxoxox